Got It All

Barefoot on the wood and a stain on her shirt.

A pretty little thing comes walking in the room.

Hair messy from the bed that I share with her.

and I'm so proud to say I love that girl.

Sun bright through the window.

I hear the music play.

She got that T-swift song on repeat today.

I count my blessings.

Have you ever thought just for a minute?

Have you ever stopped right where you're standing?

Has it ever just hit you like a wall?

Think, "Oh my God, I really got it all."

Standing here the middle of the street

I can't believe it's happening to me

after all I've lost.

I think, "Oh my God, I really got it all."

Some day lil' faces will fly by and laugher will follow

Wild like me and funny like their mama

As the sun goes down they'll yell and play.

I'll say, "Hey, come inside, it's getting late."

and if you told me now I would never believe

that I could love so hard and so damn deep.

but I don't take for granted the love I've received. 

so I count my blessings.

Have you ever thought just for a minute?

Have you ever stopped right where you're standing?

Has it ever just hit you like a wall?

Think, "Oh my God, I really got it all."

Standing here the middle of the street

I can't believe it's happening to me

after all I've lost.

I think, "Oh my God, I really got it all."

Easter

You broke my heart on Easter. You sent me a snapchat and it made my day. Except, after I replied you sent me another message. You told me that you were thinking of posting your first picture of you and your girlfriend on social media. My stomach flipped and my heart sank. I sat there in the Kum and Go parking lot outside of Bondurant wondering how to reply. I had no clue what to say. I am happy you're so happy. I really am. I just want you to be happy with me and not her and that hurts my heart in ways I never thought my heart could hurt. So while I am genuinely happy for you, I also have to fake my happiness in certain moments...such as this one. You said you hadn't even decided whether or not you were going to post it yet anyway so I just responded back that I support you in whichever decision you decide to make then I drove off towards Ankeny. Planning to stop off at Wendy's for my Easter lunch. When I got close to the drive up I received your reply. I opened it. You told me you had just posted the picture. I pulled into an empty parking spot in the very back of the Menard's parking lot right next to Wendys. I was nauseous, honestly. I again had to come up with a supportive reply even though my heart was in pieces. It took me a while this time. Maybe 10 to 15 minutes before I could even type that no matter what, I was proud of you. I mean't that. Even though in the moment I wished I played a different role in your life, I realistically played the role of supportive gay friend who you needed to hear some encouragement from. That's my role right now and I will take that seriously because first and foremost you will always be my best friend and nothing will ever change that.

I wasn't hungry anymore. I drove home in silence. 

I pulled into the garage and received one more reply from you. I opened it. It said, "I love you so much."

I didn't know what to do. I was in a lot of pain in that moment and I'm embarrassed to admit that because I'm embarrassed to be so hurt over someone who probably goes days without even thinking about me. I took a moment and swallowed every ounce of pride I had left and said out loud, "God, I know you're busy but I could use some help." It was Easter after all. I went on to tell God and Jesus that whether I was mean't to be with you or not ,that I just needed to know but I couldn't keep going on hurting like this. I cried. I never cry over things like this but I cried right there on my steering wheel, in my garage, on Easter. I let myself be swallowed up for a couple minutes and then I wiped the tears from my ears and replied back, "love you more." And it was unfortunately true. 

Don't Love Me Anymore

Cause nothing hurts you like the truth.

When love don't mean the same to them,

as it meant to you.

So tell me what I'm waiting for?

I think I already know the answer

but I have to know for sure. 

So if you loved me, 

just be honest.

That you don't love me anymore.