This time I thought it was different but it wasn't. I mean I REALLY thought I had it this time. I really thought I had you this time. I couldn't wait to see you again. It was going to be July 10th because Ankeny was going to shoot off fireworks that night. I would come up with the other plans later. I was going to tell you about the 10th this week but today you broke my heart. I wish I could say it was for the first time. It's been almost a full year now since I started falling for you. You have broken me so many times that I think I might have permanently lost some pieces. In the last year I have never felt like I've been able to fully put myself back together again. Except none of what I am saying is your fault. You knew nothing about any of this. You knew you nothing about my plans, my thoughts, the amount of nights I have stayed up thinking about you and the mornings I have woken up thinking about you, and all the feelings I have for you. You knew now of it. Now you never will. I was having a bad day today. I came off a 16 hour shift and worked an 8 hour today and got into an argument down in medical. I came out to my car upset and saw a text from you. I literally said the words, "thank God," out loud. I get so happy just seeing your name. You asked if everything was okay with me and I told you about the situation in medical. I was proud of myself cause I don't normally share work incidents with people but knew I could trust you. After that you told me that you had a tinder date with a girl tomorrow and man when I tell you I was BLINDSIDED but that text. All pain. I didn't even know what to say to it. You said it probably wasn't the best way to get over your Ex but, "oh well." Seriously, wtf was I suppose to say to that. I was crushed. I'm still crushed as I write this since this was just 6 hours ago. I waited a while so I wouldn't answer to upset, a half hour later I had still not responded and you started sending me a lot of songs and honestly I just got pissed. You just broke my heart how dare you try and make up for it. Except you weren't trying to make up for it. You had no idea you had even done anything. Thats on me. It always will be. So the best I could say back to you at that time was just, "Guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Thanks for more music I'll listen to it later." You didn't reply. You just emphasized the text with a thumbs up. I kind of hoped you maybe knew I was mad at you or upset but I'll never know if you thought that way. I little part of me kind of hoped you would ask if everything was okay cause I kind of wanted to just spill everything but you didn't and the conversation ended. I text my brother and asked if we could take a walk. I never ask that way so I think he knew something was up. In the first few minutes of the walk he was already asking about you and I told him everything. He suggested that I maybe start to move on. I told him I had just made that decision in the car on the way over to his place. I didn't tell him that I drive around his neighborhood for 45 minutes before finally parking at his place because I was trying to pull myself together after contemplating just shooting myself in the head. It wasn't all to do with her. I'm just kind of over life right now. It's a lot of pain and I'm more miserable more times than not anymore. My grandma is up in heaven now so I'd have a family member that I knew up there waiting for me now and that made me feel more comfortable. I hate having these thoughts but I'm struggling. On the way home from Andy's I sat in my car of the elementary school parking lot just down the road. It's summer now and this is where a cop likes to come and sit in his car pretty often. I figured if I just shoot myself here then he would find me and that would be good cause I didn't want to sit dead in my apartment and no one come and find me for a while. I would like to be found somewhat quick I think. Guess I am not sure why it matters but, again, just makes me feel more comfortable. I don't know. I'll keep going for now but the thought pops into my head about every 15 minutes and it's hard to silence. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be hospitalized. I don't want the option taken from me. Again, I hate to say all of this but this feels like the safest way to get it all off my chest right now. I have two more work days left and they feel unbearable. I know I will think about her all day but can't talk to anyone about it. I know I'll think about the girl she be getting ready for so she can go hook up with her. I can't do this anymore. I can't be friends with her anymore even. I have never been so unconfident and insecure in my life than I have this last year. Never has a person made me feel so unwanted and like I am not good enough without even knowing she is doing it. I can't anymore. I have to find a way to tell her that we can't hang out in July. I have to find a way to tell her that I can't hang out with her ever again. I've toyed with the idea of just telling her how I feel anyway since it'll just kind of end of friendship naturally but I haven't convinced myself of that yet. I just think I'll stop replying to more and more texts and slowly fade out. It'll be for the best. Until then, I'll just try not to eat my weapon.
