I'm having a hard time today.
It's been a hard few days to be honest. I'm not used to being away from my girlfriend. This year I was with her almost everyday and we would sleep in the same bed almost every night. So going from that to all of a sudden nothing due to the holidays has been hard. On top of that, she is very busy with her family so I don't get to talk to her much. When I do need to talk to her, I feel guilty for asking. I know she is spread thin between her family and her job and has little time for herself. I'm aware of this so I try to ask her for time as little as possible. Unfortunately, I think I just kept texting her too much. I was get excited seeing something from my childhood home or my hometown and send it to her for her to see. I share something funny I just remembered or saw. Then at night a couple times I have asked if I could talk to her because well, things just don't feel the same here at home this Christmas. My sister stayed in Denver for Christmas and my brother stayed in Seattle. My other brother lives in town but I don't know if I'll be seeing him or any of my nephews while I'm here. It's just strange.
When I was younger we used to make gingerbread houses every year. It was my favorite thing to do. I loved getting creative and just sitting around with everyone at the table and just spending time together and having fun. For a few years we even did a Secret Santa. And I would put all our names into a Santa hat and everyone drew a name and had to find a present for that person. It was so fun and I really loved that mini tradition. That was back when Ryan was still my brother-in-law and I loved Ryan. He was truly a brother to me. He has been in my life for probably about 7 to 8 years when he and my sister got divorced and I just suddenly never saw him again. He got to give him one last hug or even say goodbye. That was very hard and sometimes still is. Now he is missing on the holidays. Last year we got together with my brother's wife and and family and we all came together for that and even that was pretty fun even though I wasn't the biggest fan of his wife. It was still so fun seeing all my nephews and siblings in the house at once. It rarely happens now. This year they got divorced and that gathering won't be happening either.
I used to see my Grandma McGill every Christmas morning. I remember her when I opened the present that was my puppy, Buddy. She always told the story of me opening the box and saying, "Is this real life?" She was always laugh thinking about it. One year I was really sick and I laid on her lap while everyone opened presents. She was such a staple in the family and everybody loved her. She has been passed away a few years now and I miss her very much. Especially today, since it's Christmas. So many people aren't here anymore. By choice or not. Everything just seems hollow. I visit her grave about this time every year just to visit and make sure everything looks good around her and my grandpa's headstone. I cried this year when I visited. I told her Christmas just isn't the same without her. How I wish I could go back in time, maybe 15 years and just relive one more Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Just once.
Unfortunately, I think I shared too much of my sadness with Courtney. She got mad at me this morning and I think there was a big misunderstanding which happens often with us but I always seem to be crying every holiday due to some argument we've had and I'm tired. I'm really tired. I started balling in my room and had to just go to my car to drive out and away and we kept arguing that entire time. I think I cried for about 3 hours this Christmas morning. I hope it never happens again but I know it will. I'm not as naive anymore. We're not working at the moment and it's very hard. She just reached back out saying she hopes we could talk later. I told her I would like her to have time to herself today and I would take time to myself. I can't keep getting treated like shit every time she hasn't had time to herself. I hope she actually does. I'm very tired. I think I may lay down a take a short nap. I just wanted to put it here and hopefully move on with the holiday and if I am lucky, I will maybe not cry the rest of the day. Wish me luck.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
