Missing You Today

 I'm missing you today. More than most days. I read through some old texts messages and one of the messages was just you telling me you were fooling around with some girl and you had taken her jeans off and I just kind of stopped reading from there. I don't know why it hurts about as much as it did 4 years ago but my god does it. I'm sure it's because I never actually got any sort of closure for it. I don't know though because I do know the answer. You never loved me like that. I was the friend zoned best friend and that is all I ever was. What helps these days is I don't really find you attractive anymore. There I said it. It makes me feel bad but it's true. You're not my type. Although neither is she really. Your personalities are so freakin infectious I just can seem to bare to let either one of you go. Maybe that makes me a bad person. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of much of anything anymore. I sit in this dark basement and can barely watch the TV. I just don't care about anything and at the same time I care sooo much about some things. I feel miserable. I thought a new job would fix it honestly but it hasn't. If anything, it's worse. I think having my own place will help but I'm starting to worry it won't. I worry that she will change her mind about the place, about me really. She's not like you. You were always sure. 

Fight or Flight

I almost typed, I blame you. 

Solely you. 

And then I deleted it.

If I lose her.

I blame me. Solely me. 

Your Apartment

 I’ll never forget sitting in your apartment. 

After a training in Iowa City

You invited me over

I was so nervous

Just to talk to you

You invited me today

I said I can’t today but I could have

I always got in my own way

I showed up in uniform

Feeling very confident

And you took me to Freddys for my first time

And that’s what I ordered tonight 

5 years later

And I’m thinking of you

We went back to your apartment

And we talked for so long

And as the hours past by

I didn’t want to go home.

As midnight hit, I knew it was time

I stood back up and said goodbye

You asked again if I wanted to stay

I said that I couldn’t and work anyways

And said okay, and walked me to the door

Not much more was said

But I always wonder if there was

And if I made a mistake

Will You Cry on My Wedding Day

Will you cry on my wedding day?

Will you think about me

All the times in my car

Driving around town

Blasting our favorite songs for hours

Ignoring everything we were going through

When you see the pictures I post

Will you get in your car and drive around

Blast your favorite songs when shes not around

So she cant see you cry

On my wedding day?

Will you cry on my wedding day

Will you think about me

Dancing around in the living room in the dark

Our favorite place to be

When you see the pictures i post

Will you think about the girl in the living room

Whose pieces you put back together

For someone else to love

Will you put on our old playlists

And turn the lights off

Dance around your room in the dark

And pretend it’s with me

Will you cry on my wedding day

Because I’ll cry on yours

To the friend that I’ve lost

And no longer yours

Will you cry on my wedding day

or will it be just another day

Will you feel nothing at all

Am I a long forgotten memory 

Give Me a Sign

Is it time to stay or time to go?

Maybe a break? I don't know.

Give me a sign, love

Give me a sign

Can you show me that you love me?

Can you show me that you care?

I ask for certain ways

and you say it isn't fair

How can I feel it?

How will I know?

When you go off with your friends

and I'm sitting at home

How can I feel it?

How will I know?

I kind of want you miserable alone

but you fucking love it

Is it time to stay or time to go?

Maybe a break? I don't know.

Give me a sign, love

Give me a sign

You say that you miss me

or that you probably will

I've never had to try so hard

to say how I feel

You say that you miss me 

and maybe you're right

that's what I tell myself before bed

I pretend it's all fine

I'm holding you back

but you say Im not

I say you want bigger things

You say Im all you want

You can travel the Earth alone

and never be fazed

While I wait for you return

and count all the days

Is it time to stay or time to go?

Maybe a break? I don't know.

Give me a sign, love

Give me a sign

I feel like I'm losing me

I feel like I'm losing you

Give me a sign, love

Give me a sign

Tell me I'm yours

and I'll tell you you're mine

Give me a sign, love

Give me a sign

Christmas 2024

 I'm having a hard time today.

It's been a hard few days to be honest. I'm not used to being away from my girlfriend. This year I was with her almost everyday and we would sleep in the same bed almost every night. So going from that to all of a sudden nothing due to the holidays has been hard. On top of that, she is very busy with her family so I don't get to talk to her much. When I do need to talk to her, I feel guilty for asking. I know she is spread thin between her family and her job and has little time for herself. I'm aware of this so I try to ask her for time as little as possible. Unfortunately, I think I just kept texting her too much. I was get excited seeing something from my childhood home or my hometown and send it to her for her to see. I share something funny I just remembered or saw. Then at night a couple times I have asked if I could talk to her because well, things just don't feel the same here at home this Christmas. My sister stayed in Denver for Christmas and my brother stayed in Seattle. My other brother lives in town but I don't know if I'll be seeing him or any of my nephews while I'm here. It's just strange.

When I was younger we used to make gingerbread houses every year. It was my favorite thing to do. I loved getting creative and just sitting around with everyone at the table and just spending time together and having fun. For a few years we even did a Secret Santa. And I would put all our names into a Santa hat and everyone drew a name and had to find a present for that person. It was so fun and I really loved that mini tradition. That was back when Ryan was still my brother-in-law and I loved Ryan. He was truly a brother to me. He has been in my life for probably about 7 to 8 years when he and my sister got divorced and I just suddenly never saw him again. He got to give him one last hug or even say goodbye. That was very hard and sometimes still is. Now he is missing on the holidays. Last year we got together with my brother's wife and and family and we all came together for that and even that was pretty fun even though I wasn't the biggest fan of his wife. It was still so fun seeing all my nephews and siblings in the house at once. It rarely happens now. This year they got divorced and that gathering won't be happening either. 

I used to see my Grandma McGill every Christmas morning. I remember her when I opened the present that was my puppy, Buddy. She always told the story of me opening the box and saying, "Is this real life?" She was always laugh thinking about it. One year I was really sick and I laid on her lap while everyone opened presents. She was such a staple in the family and everybody loved her. She has been passed away a few years now and I miss her very much. Especially today, since it's Christmas. So many people aren't here anymore. By choice or not. Everything just seems hollow. I visit her grave about this time every year just to visit and make sure everything looks good around her and my grandpa's headstone. I cried this year when I visited. I told her Christmas just isn't the same without her. How I wish I could go back in time, maybe 15 years and just relive one more Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Just once. 

Unfortunately, I think I shared too much of my sadness with Courtney. She got mad at me this morning and I think there was a big misunderstanding which happens often with us but I always seem to be crying every holiday due to some argument we've had and I'm tired. I'm really tired. I started balling in my room and had to just go to my car to drive out and away and we kept arguing that entire time. I think I cried for about 3 hours this Christmas morning. I hope it never happens again but I know it will. I'm not as naive anymore. We're not working at the moment and it's very hard. She just reached back out saying she hopes we could talk later. I told her I would like her to have time to herself today and I would take time to myself. I can't keep getting treated like shit every time she hasn't had time to herself. I hope she actually does. I'm very tired. I think I may lay down a take a short nap. I just wanted to put it here and hopefully move on with the holiday and if I am lucky, I will maybe not cry the rest of the day. Wish me luck.

Oh, and Merry Christmas. 

Like Always

I were holding my hand when you dropped it

Turned to me and said, "I need to be honest."

That's the moment we lost it

That's the moment we lost it

It was just a mistake and you swore it

but you had their sweater once and you wore it

You thought I wouldn't notice

You thought I wouldn't notice

So what is it you were wanting me to say?

"Oh, that's okay, baby, I forgive you." 

Like always

Like always

I'll wrap you up in a hug

My right hand on the back of your head

as you cry into my shoulder

Like always

The victim of your own doing

Nobody feels worse than you do I'm sure

Still crying into my shoulder

Like always

So what is it you were wanting me to say?

I think you should leave now baby

Take their sweat on your way

Like always

Fooled me once and that's a shame

but fool me twice and I'm to blame 

Like always

Like always