Dear Diary,: December 2020

Dear Her,

I want you to know that I started falling for you in the summer. July to be exact. You kind of texted me out of the blue like we had a couple times that summer. Just you sending me screen shots of your songs from Apple music. I hated that you had Apple music because I had to go search for all the songs in my Spotify but that was okay cause I loved that you sent me songs. I hated looking up new songs for myself. That was pretty much the extent of our interaction though. Just me thanking you for sending them. Never having a reason conversation. But one day in July, for some reason, just hit a little different. I wish I could explain it. We have been friends for 10 years now and I always knew we had a deep connection. Deeper than a lot, if not ALL of my friends. I used to love when you texted me back in the day. You were the greatest listener. You cared so deeply for people and I just really admired so much about the person you were. At the time, our age difference seemed too large it wasn't even really on my mind the thought that I could feel more than friendship for you. You were just the kid. You were my little squirt. So naive to the world. I laugh at that sentence now, as if I had any better clue what the world would have in store for us in our twenties, but you texted me that day in July and I felt those butterflies again. Except this time, having experienced more of life and myself for that matter, I was able to pin point the emotions I was feeling. It couldn't be though. Not you, no way, not my friend. I have never caught feelings for a friend before. Why now? Why 10 years later? Why some random day in July? With some seemingly random text? Why you?

I won't even pretend like I don't remember it. It was July 24th. At the time, I was driving through the mountains of Colorado with, Andy, up and down long and windy roads from Winter Park to Frisco. We already had Folklore playing on repeat when you texted me, "You'd really like this new Taylor Swift album I think. Not her usual stuff. Sooo good." Little did you know I was already listening to it but I appreciated the gesture so much that I pretended I hadn't heard it yet and was going to download it ASAP. You wanted to know my thoughts about it as soon as I was done listening to it. I told you I would let you know. I don't know what it was in that exchange but it got me thinking about you and how you were thinking about me. At least thought of me long enough to send me music you thought I would like. The whole rest of the way down that mountain, a warm sunny day with the windows cracked, the smell of evergreens in the air, I listened to that album reminiscing on our past adventures. Wondering what you were up to these days. Still deciphering this feeling I had in my gut, but I knew what it was. I started thinking about you. If only I knew this was just the beginning of all the time I would start to spend thinking about you. As we pulled into Frisco, I texted you my thoughts on the album and we had a short exchange of words but nothing major. So I decided to put you out of my mind again. I chalked my feelings up to nostalgia and placed our memories, neatly, back into their box where I pulled them out from and put them back up on the shelf. Like looking through old pictures. I then continued on with my day like I had the past few years.

August 6th came and you sent me a text saying that we needed to find a time that we were in the same place so we could talk and jam out to music like we used too. I felt the same rush all over again like I did in July. We hadn't texted since that day but somehow I was on your mind again. We had a short exchange over a couple days were we caught up with each other. You were about to take the MCAT on the 8th and I was neck deep in mandates from COVID and trying to stay above water. We understood that we were both busy but were going to find a day eventually to hang out. I wasn't sure of the validity of the agreement at the time. I mean, how many times do old friends make those promises to each other? So again, I packed up our little box of memories and dismissed my feelings.

September 9th you sent me a link to your two new Spotify playlists. I was taken a back. Spotify? When did you get a Spotify? You then told me that you had been dating a girl that was really into Spotify and it had converted you. This was the first time you had ever dated a girl. You said in your message that we didn't have to "unpack" that yet. I understood. I followed you on Spotify like you requested and we moved on with our night. That night changed a lot for me though. My feelings for you got a little stronger and it became undeniable at this point that those feelings were not going to go away. I could not just tuck them neatly into their box and place them back on the shelf to ignore until you texted me again. I started thinking about you often, and wondered, if you thought about me often too or just every once in a while. You had dated a girl so I knew the possibility of us was there but I was unpacking a lot for myself. Could I really be into my best friend? This girl? This girl I always thought of as a kid but now... well, as were texting, it didn't feel that way anymore. To me, it felt like for the first time you and I were in the same place having similar experiences. You were grown and it was weird and I was into it and that was weird. It was a lot. I started thinking maybe it was just a girl crush. You know, the type you get on a celebrity but don't really fall in love with a girl crush. They just preoccupy your mind every once in a while. You'd swoon over them and then move on with your day. Except you weren't a celebrity and I couldn't get you the fuck off my mind. I think I did just about everything to convince myself that I would get over this. That it was just some sort of temporary feeling. I wouldn't though. I thought about you every single day.

On Sept. 29th, I finally found a legit reason to start a conversation with you. Your brother had posted a questionable tweet after a presidential debate saying he wouldn't be voting for either person. You had responded back to him encouraging him to think, not of himself, but of you, your sister and your mom. Reminding him that your rights were on the table. Oh course, on a Twitter wall it would look like women's rights, which, of course, was true but I also knew you mean't LGBTQ+ rights. I took a screenshot of the tweet and your reply and sent it to you. Told you I was "LIVING for your response." I was, after all. You responded in a way I expected. With love. As you do. Which is just one of the many reasons why I like you. It ended up being one of the best decisions I could have made. We talked non stop for over and hour. You told me about your recent break up you had with your first girlfriend. You told me how she was stringing you along and that you were miserable. I told you about my relationship I had with a girl a year and a half ago but hadn't been in a serious relationship with a girl since. I don't know why I didn't tell you a couple weeks ago when you came out to me. Probably would have been easier and more helpful for both of us, but either way, it was okay and we both opened up more after that. We talked about the emotional toll a female relationship takes on you verses a male relationship and you told me about a couple random hook ups you had afterwards and how one tested positive for COVID so you had to quarantine, which honestly the stories were funny but I hated to hear about them cause here I was wondering if you had feelings for me, but you were randomly hooking up with other girls. I thought about it for a while and I figured they were so clearly being used to get over your recent relationship that I knew they mean't nothing and moved on from the thought. After all, you would treat me like a random hook up if you liked me anyway. So they clearly mean't nothing and I probably mean't something. I hate myself in current time for having to write that thought but that was the truth.

Skip forward through October and I won't mention the fact that you almost missed my birthday and only remembered to text me after I posted a picture of my brother and I at like 11pm at night but whatever. I'm sure you were busy. Life is busy. You continued to send me songs weekly. Which I LOVED. I looked forward to coming out of work and possibly seeing a text from you and waking up and possibly seeing a text from you. It was sick how much I looked forward to it. I loved it. But, one thing did kind of suck. All the songs were definitely about your ex. You sent them so we could relate with our pain of our past relationships. I always played along, when, in fact, I was completely over my ex and had zero feelings left for her beside hatred but even that was kind of fading into irrelevance. I don't want to say the words "I played along" as they weren't exactly true. I did tell you how much those songs hurt but not for the reasons you thought. They hurt not because I related them to my ex. They hurt because I related them to you. I'm sure you saw the tweets I favorited because I know you, and that is something you would look at if you cared about somebody (platonic or romantic) and you probably saw my sad favorited tweets and really thought I was still getting over my ex but damn if you only knew all those tweets were about you. I was hurting because I had such strong feelings for you but you were still thinking of her. I didn't fault you at all. I understood completely. You needed time and you needed someone to share in your pain and I was the one and when you were ready I would be there and I would swoop in and it would be you and me. I just knew it.

On Nov. 12th you texted me really late at 11pm. You sent me the song "Alone in my Room (Gone)" by GRACEY, which would become a favorite of mine. We talked up until midnight and I wished you a happy birthday and made fun of the fact it was on Friday the 13th of the worst year in our lifetime to date. We laughed about that for a while and you told me how you didn't know if your ex would try and text you happy birthday or not. I couldn't careless if that ex of yours texted you or not. She seemed very toxic but I wouldn't dare tell you that. You can make your own decision. I did, however, care about how her texting you or not texting you made you feel though. I was going to text you at the end of your birthday and ask if she did not or but I decided against it. I didn't want to know.

On Nov. 17th, you privatized all your Spotify playlists. Like wtf, so I text you saying I had a bone to pick cause you were not allowed to introduce me to good music just to take it all away. You laughed at that and said it was only because you saw your ex was listening to your playlists and you didn't want her to know how sad your playlist were because you didn't want her to think you were still sad about her. I understood and you sent me the playlist links. You told me about a girl you were seeing and how you felt guilty for seeing her because you still cared about your ex. You told me you and this new girl hooked up and when she left you cried about your ex. I was crushed by that info. I didn't want to think of you hooking up with someone else. Yep, I was in that deep. I chose to at least focus on that fact that your were trying to get over your ex and that was a step in the right direction. At least for me. Then maybe we could have a chance. I didn't want to make things worse though as I knew this was a hard and confusing time. I chose to say some encouraging words that didn't quite come from the heart and left it at that. You sent me some new songs the couple days after that and the world felt normal again.

On Nov. 20th, I decided I had to tell Daniela. I had never been so emotionally confused by a person, let alone a girl in my life and I had to start talking about it or I would go crazy. It was very freeing to finally have someone I was close to understand what I was going through. Hell to have someone know that I was going through something PERIOD. Up until now, my conversations with Daniela centered around COVID as our prison had locked down and Illinois was seeing a big influx of COVID patients. We were both losing people. Supporting her through her emotions and handling my own grief with COVID was becoming a full time job. As I explained to Daniela about my girl crush she immediately became protective as she wasn't a big fan of me being toyed with. Maybe I shouldn't have sent her screen shots of my conversations with my crush. I forgot Daniela can hold grudges for a long time. I told her how dumb I felt for complaining about a little heartbreak with people crying and dying all around me. I explained to Daniela that although I knew it wasn't perfect, having this one little thing to look forward to in this pandemic was everything to me. To leave an acute mental health unit in a lockdown prison after 12 or 16 hours and be so physically and emotionally drained and to get to my car to see a text of a song link from someone I cared about to take my mind of things for just 5 fucking minutes was so worth the little heartbreaks at that time. She understood.

November 26th, I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving. She said, "You too!! I'm so so thankful for you and our friendship, more than you know" with a red heart emoji. I said likewise with a red heart emoji not knowing quite how to read that. I followed up by saying "Hopefully, I'll be able to see you again soon."

She said, "Yes, please!!! Whenever you get some free time from work lmk, I can come to Osky or Des Moines or whatever!" Then she asked if I was in Osky for the night. I had to tell her no and that I was on call for the day, which was true, but even if I hadn't been I don't think I would have gone. Last I knew she still cared about her ex and was at least fucking some girl a week or so ago so the last thing I really wanted to do was go and hear about the details. I did desperately want to see her though. I asked if she was going to be in Osky all weekend. I asked in case I were to change my mind about seeing her. She said no and that she had to work. In my head, I figured that was probably for the best. I felt good that day though. A solid text conversation filled with red heart emojis. I could get used to that. She texted me, again, that night, a couple new songs and the new Miley Cyrus rock album and I got to finish off Thanksgiving the same way I started it. Talking with her.

Dec 4th, we had been sharing music again and all was well. She sent me a new December playlist of upbeat songs. I can't remember why I was in a mood that day. Work I know, had been getting to me a lot and she texted it to me after midnight so I was probably already in my feelings listening to music that reminded me of Battle or something. I was short in my replies and unenthusiastic. When I was at work the next day I felt dumb for being like that. The girl finally had an upbeat playlist of non sad songs that wouldn't hopefully remind her of her ex and I shit on it. I got out of work and tried to make up for it by listening to the whole thing and sending a song back to her that I liked most off the album. I couldn't tell if she was annoyed, or maybe just that the moment had pasted, but her reply times were spaced very far apart, which was unlike her. I felt dumb again and regretted it, but I just told myself I wouldn't do that again and that I needed to do better.

She sent me a couple more songs the following days and I was feeling better about the situation. On Dec 7th, she asked if Id be in Osky for Christmas. I didn't hesitate this time and sent her the dates. She picked Dec. 22nd and I told her I would plan on it with a smiley face. She "hearted" the message. The next morning she sent me a song called, "This Could Be Love," and I was on cloud 9 not gonna lie, the lyrics weren't quite our situation, but really, what song would be? So, of course, I screen shotted it to Daniela to gloat a little. I sent her some song that night too because I rarely ever send songs and honestly I couldn't give less of a fuck about the songs I sent her because they were never gonna be as good as hers and really they were just an excuse to talk to her so whatever. I always hoped it was the thought that counted.

Dec 18th- she sent me a TON of songs over the next couple weeks and we bonded over the new Taylor Swift- Evermore album. My chances looked to be okay on the 22nd. She even told me she was listening to one of my playlists and liked a song off of it a lot. "Back to You" by Taylor Acorn in which she made fun of the name Acorn. This was amazing as I didn't even think she listened to my playlists. I told her I had un privatized a couple new albums and to take a look later when she had time. This is when she fell in love with Munn and was mad I didn't introduce her to them earlier.

On Dec 20th, the night before I was somehow unlucky/ lucky enough to see her follow her ex on Spotify again. I. Was. Crushed. and had to try to sleep after it. It wasn't a great nights sleep. When I got home from work the next day I ignored all my technology and went to church. The sermon was about love and what love means. I mean really? What are the odds. I went home and looked to see that she had unfollowed her ex on Spotify again. I did a little digging on facebook since I was confused and saw that her ex had gotten into a relationship with another girl from the same college a week ago. So I was confused on why my crush would follow her back and then unfollow her in the same 24 hours. I was kind of fed-up hurt at this point. I hate sneaky shit. I was debating maybe even canceling our plans for Tuesday based off this because if I had no chance then why would I make my heart hurt worse by seeing her? I had almost made up my mind when I laid down to go to bed that night and my phone pinged. It was her. She said, "Remember how much money we spent at the state fair in the arcade that one time?" One of the best memories I had with her. I was hooked again. We had a funny conversation and I felt all warm and fuzzy again and went to sleep. She had favorited a tweet that night that said something along the lines of how having someone to constantly laugh with in a relationship is important, so I felt like I had earned brownie points.

Dec. 21st. I decided I would still hang out with her the next day. I knew she wasn't over her ex and that it was fine and that I wasn't going to push anything. I was going to feel out the situation. If the time felt right to tell her I had feelings for her then I would do so that night I had decided. If I felt like she needed a little more time to heal then I would wait and use the night as a way to gain brownie points in anyway I could. I wanted to respect her feelings most importantly. I washed my car and picked out what I wanted to wear and went to bed.

Dec 22nd. I text her around 5pm asking if she was still down to hang out that night and she said she would be after dinner. So I put on my outfit and got in my car and drove around the area for a while trying to get my heart rate to slow down and relax. I sent a reminder text to Daniela to never let me crush on a friend again and went to pick her up at her sisters house. She jumped in and we started our drive by trying to remember the last time we saw each other in person and we really couldn't remember. It had been years. We definitely had a couple silent hurdles to get over but we worked past them and I was starting to calm down a little which made it much easier. I asked what she was doing for a living and asked questions about medical school. She talked about maybe going to school in Colorado which excited me since that is where I want to end up in a year. We talked about that for a while and somehow in the first five minutes of the drive she managed to tell me how she started dating a girl a week and a half ago. The same girl from September that she hooked up with when trying to get over her ex. The one who got COVID and made my crush have to quarantine. The same girl that she hooked up with and then cried after she left in November because she still cared about her ex. That same girl. I was sooo glad the car was dark cause I know my face turned red. Out of what emotion I am not sure, but I was somewhere between trying not to crying and trying not to throw up and I mean that seriously. I couldn't believe it. This whole time. Months. She was seeing and fucking this girl. It hurt. I forced myself to move past it. What could I do about it now? We drove around town for 7 hours that night. Stopping for a while to sit in the Hyvee parking lot and run into Walmart, of course. I know it probably felt off to her though cause to be honest I couldn't pull myself together after what she had told me. I know I wasn't as funny as I normally would be cause I just didn't feel it. We still had plenty of great conversation that night but there would be times where there would be absolute silence and I would not do a great job of filling it because my thoughts were so scattered. We talked about the details with her ex and how she would always make my crush think she did something wrong and was just overall toxic. As we continued to drive she asked me If I liked anyone or was talking to anyone at the moment. This hurt really bad too. I said, "no." Kind of sheepishly. She asked me why. There was little bit of silence as I tried to find an answer and she asked if I was just too sad or too busy. I said, I guess I was just a little busy. Not sure if it was convincing. Probably not. She didn't pressure the question much. I told her the story about my ex and we talked about coming out. She said her new girlfriend lived in Osky and was 21. She said when they started hooking up, she told her new girl that she didn't ever want to talk about a relationship. She said that changed when it lasted 3 ish months and she knew her new girl was about to leave for Colorado for the holidays. She said she knew it was coming. She said all her friends and everybody said it was a good idea because the new girl was really nice and understanding especially since Paige had opened up about her anxiety and panic attacks. She said they were pretty much dating without the title so she might as well make it official. The concept didn't sound great to me. In fact, it felt sad but I didn't want to say that. I wanted to be supportive. Her new girl had already met her friends and her family. I'm sure they knew what they were talking about. So I mustered up the only positive words I could say about the situation. That maybe, even if it doesn't last forever, at least she could experience being with a good person who cares about her and treats her well. Maybe it would help her finally get over her ex. I told her I just wanted her to be happy. She said she was. I just didn't know whether to believe it or not. As I went to drop her off, she sat in my car for a little while longer, we talked about my family and how I hadn't come out to them yet and the reasons why. God bless her she was trying to keep me positive about the outcome of it but I just didn't quite believe there would be. I thanked her anyway and told her I hoped she was right. She got out of my car and said, "see ya later." Before, we were the type to say "I love you" in a platonic way. But after these couple months of talking it seemed to kind of disappear. So after years of not seeing each other and months texting each other and hours driving around telling our inner most secrets, she hit me with a "see you later." She had the door closed before I could offer up anything else. I watched to make sure she got inside the house safely and drove straight home. Feeling emptier than I ever felt.

The rest of my four day holiday break was rough as I dealt with massive anxiety and panic attacks again. I was heartbroken. Really heartbroken and what was worse? I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Daniela was busy with family stuff and I didn't want to bother her. Taylor was in quarantine. I was going to come out to my sister so I decided I would pick her up from the airport and explain the whole thing to her on the way home. She canceled her flight. It felt like the whole world was stacked against me this week. A very 2020 Christmas. I texted my crush the next day while my brother and I decided t placed basketball. I invited her to hopefully spend a minute smoothing over a lot of deep conversations we had the previous night and have a lighter get together. I hated that we ended so dark. She said she was busy making cookies.

I was happy to get back to Ankeny Christmas night. I told Neal and Mike on the drive up since Mike was in the ER for chest pains. I needed someone to talk to cause I was still trying to make it work in my head or convince myself it wasn't over. They're blunt ol' Mike and Neal. They told me what I needed to hear. I got home and for the first time since the 22nd, I laid back on my couch and allowed myself to feel my emotions and shed some tears. I decided I would send my crush one final text exchange and then let her go for a while and distance myself. I needed too. I learned while driving around that her number one love language was affirmations so I loaded my text with them to hopefully make it memorable and hopefully over shadow any bad vibes we had. The exchange:

Me: "Hey! Just wanted to say I'm glad we got to hang out this week, I haven't quite felt like myself recently with everything going on so I'm so thankful I have someone like you in my life that I can trust to talk to about anything and who really listens. You matter a lot to me and life can be very short so I don't want good things to go unsaid. You're the best person I know and I am very grateful for you. Merry Christmas!"

Her: "Molly (3 teary eyed face emojis) I'm so so glad we got to hang. I'm so thankful for you and that you get and understand me, and thankful I get to talk to you about everything as well. Knowing I have you has made my coming out journey sooo much easier and nicer for me mentally knowing I have you. I love you and look up to you always. Merry Christmas!!! 💕"

Me: "Here for you through thick and thin. Love you more than you know. Goodnight, Paige (white heart emoji)" *she hearted the text*

Her: "Same goes for you always!!"

Dear Diary,

Monday, December 28, 2020

It's Gonna Be Me

Wanna Stay

Saturday, December 26, 2020

Dear Her,

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

When I Say I Love Her

Missing You Today

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