Dear Her Again,

Dear Her again,

This hurts.

We had the greatest conversation on Thursday but it's been a week now and you haven't talked to me. I'm trying to take advantage of the space. Trying to get over you a little but I had no idea how hard that was going to be. I told my brother about you. He agreed I shouldn't tell you about my feelings right now either. To give it time.

Time, however, is quickly becoming the enemy. How can I even measure it? I could have all the time in the word and I could be gone tomorrow. So how much should I give? Is time the greatest present a person could give? Working in a prison, I learned how valuable time is. Especially, when it's away from the people you love. Missing out on life's milestones. Time is one thing that once it is gone you can never get it back. The world's greatest punishment. It's all starting to make sense to me now. 

I have done time in the prison that is your healing. I have had feelings for you since last July. I have served seven months and continue to do time for you. Because, well, I think I love you. And thats the crime. I have been doing time so you can get over your ex. I do the time so you can have this relationship with your new girlfriend who you say is nice but doesn't seem to excite you. A filler for your feelings. I do this time so you can heal. The greatest of all ironies is that the time I give you to heal is the same time that hurts me. So, I ask again, is time the greatest present a person could give? 

I've deleted all my social media apps. I privatized my Spotify. You haven't asked why. Maybe you haven't even noticed. I just felt like I was going crazy. The thought that I was constantly thinking of you and you not thinking about me at all? I couldn't entertain it. I was trying to find anything to validate my feelings. It became obsessive and futile. 

My brother said to delete the apps. I hesitated. This hesitation gave him a red flag. He told me I looked terrible and kind of sick. He said he hadn't ever seen me like this before. In my defense, 2020 as a whole, really did a number on me. I had friends die and inmates die and worked three weeks worth of hours in two weeks and lost touch with everyone in life and was busy trying to keep everyone's spirits up and I got the first round of the vaccine and was having some mild side effects and yeah there was you. The person who I thought about first thing in the morning and listened to music on the way to work about and who I hoped would text me so I could come out of work to a message or song from and drove home listening to music about and got home and downloaded music about and then would drive around at night listening to music about and stay up really late because you might text me and I wanted the chance to see it and then would crawl into bed around midnight and then thought about you until my eyelids were to heavy to bear the weight and finally closed giving me around four hours of sleep before I started it all over again....and yeah I guess I could see where he was coming from.

Last night was easy. Somewhat liberating. I can do this I thought. I will take this time and space away to better myself. I think I needed time and I still wanted to give you time. This morning was okay. You were still the first thing I thought about but I put on a podcast and went through the motions. When I came out of work I, of course, still didn't have a text from you so I put on the same podcast and made it about 20 minutes before I convinced myself to put on Apple music. It wasn't Spotify so it was fine. Well I got bored of the songs. I got home and convinced myself that I would just take one quick look at the Spotify on my computer. See if you had been listening. You had. Four hours ago. Well, since I was already doing it I'll just download all the apps again and take one quick peak at each and be done. Snapchat got me. I could tell from the little bubble of your story that you were in Des Moines. I didn't click on it. I just let it hurt me. I turned off my TV and crawled into my bed. Mad at myself for caving and craving a couple hours of sleep where I wouldn't have to think about you at all. 

Neal asked if I wanted to meet Mike and her at Jakes so I'm gonna end this letter here. I'm doing anything that I can right now to distract myself. I know I'm going to go drink and talk to them about you and maybe they'll offer some worthwhile advice but I don't think there's anybody but me that can help me now. I need time and time has become my enemy. One that I know very well. I don't know how much I mean it at this moment, but I wish so much that you never would have texted me last year. That you never would have sent me a single song. I wish we would have remained old friends with past memories and I wouldn't have to know what it was like to get to know the new you and fall in love with that person and get to tell you about it and feel for a moment that I would get to do that forever just to be never be able to say it or do it at all. And I don't know which is more painful right now,

continuing to love you or trying to find all the ways not to.