You Ruined Christmas for Me

I didn't want to talk to you. I wanted to avoid you. 

But we're both home for Christmas.

And I want to know if you miss me. 

If you still care.

I didn't wish you a happy birthday last month. 

After you wished me one in October.

I've set all my Spotify settings to private so you can't see when I'm listening.

I no longer view your Snapchat or Instagram stories.

I don't want to love you anymore.

I don't. 

I put a lot of effort into not loving you.

Do you even notice?

Would you even care if you never saw or talked to me again?

I thought by keeping you out of sight, out of mind,

it would give my heart a chance to heal. 

A chance to move past you.

it's been almost two months now of me actively trying to get over you,

Except, I love you just as much right now, typing this,

as I did in October. 

As I have the past year. 

This time last year you broke my heart.

I was going to tell you how I felt about you last Christmas.

You told me how you found someone else.

How I had looked forward to hanging out with you for so long

just for you to tell me you almost canceled on me. 

I cried last Christmas. 

I don't want to cry this Christmas.

I don't want to love you anymore.

I don't.

But oh my God, do I love you.

And I dreaded coming home for the holidays.

Reliving a lot of those feelings. 

I couldn't even get into the Christmas mood because

I wanted to play Christmas songs, except I kept changing them.

Cause it wasn't the most wonderful time of the year. 

Instead I played, "Tis the Damn Season," by Taylor Swift. 

The same song I played last Christmas. 

And wondered if you missed me.

Wondered if you still cared. 

You ruined Christmas for me. 

Turns out, that out of sight, out of mind,

only works when your heart is ready to let go,

So while I want more than anything to stop thinking about you.

To move on.

To stop asking myself what could have been.

My heart won't let me. 

I think I'm starting to realize

that you'll always have a little piece of it.

Whether you know it or not. 

So I post one Snapchat

of our beautiful Christmas lighted town square

in hopes that maybe you'll respond.

Maybe you won't even look at it.

But at least then I would know.

I drive home and crawl into bed. 

One ping.

One Snapchat reply.

"How long are you in town?"

I can't hang out with you. 

Even though deep down I would pull up right now 

if you told me too.

Maybe I should just tell you.

Tell you that I can't hang out with you.

Tell you why.

Say all the words I've been holding in since this time last year.

But with your one reply my heart is pounding in my chest.

And a familiar achy sensation takes over. 

I can't put my heart through all this again. 

"I leave tomorrow." I reply.

and I go to bed. 

I woke up to a message,

"Dang, we need to hang soon."

I would love to.

I really would.

I would love to tell you everything I've been going through.

But I don't want to hear about you.

I don't want to hear about your ex and whoever you're sleeping with now.

I know you'll tell me. 

You always do.

Breaking my heart is the only thing I can predict from you.

So I don't reply.

I pack up my bags and I leave town.

Feeling a little bit better.

I miss you and I want to talk to you.

And I hate the thought that I might be hurting your feelings

during my healing process. 

But maybe I'm not cause you don't care that far.

Just far enough for me to validate your feelings and tell you how great you are.

I don't know.

All I know is that you cared enough to still respond to me. 

And I needed that.

I hope you feel loved by others today. 

I hope you feel happiness and belonging.

I hope you feel hopeful for better things

and better people to come. 

I hope you feel all the things that I am struggling to feel right now.

I want all those things and more for you.

Because you are a good person and you deserve it.

I hope you find whatever it is your'e looking for.

Even if I'm not the one.

Merry Christmas.

And may it be the last one you ruin for me.