Dear Diary

Tonight, I'm sitting alone on my couch on our ranch in Fort Morgan. Typing between sips of cider. Listening to "Keep It to Yourself" by Clinton Kane on repeat cause I'm feeling it a little tonight. Life is getting better though. I'm slowly acclimating to the way of life here and by "here" I mean production and life outside those four walls. It's taking me longer than I thought to adjust but I'm trying to give myself as much grace as I can. I'm not homesick per-say. I don't long for Iowa or much about where I traveled from. Of course, there are people I miss but I still talk to them almost everyday so I haven't been sad about it yet. I do miss having my set group of people. You know, the ones you don't have to think about. They'd be down to grab a drink anytime and you know you can trust them so you can just talk abut anything and everything? I'm getting there though. It became apparent to me this week about my level of mistrust with people I don't know. I came from a job where you knew the person next to you would give their life for you at a moments notice. It's really hard to go from having those types of bonds with people to watching grown ass people sabotage each other in the name of ego and pride. It's getting better though. I'm putting myself out there more. I'm trying to engage in conversation even when I don't want to. It paid off. I made friends with Kelly Newton this week. She's my production manager and a cool as hell person. I get her laughing on set this week and since then she's invite me into the group and I've gotten to have dinner with the exec. team on Wednesday and she invited me out to get drinks with the production crew on Thursday. I think I've gained a little trust. I ended up DDing for my roommate and for Kelly and our cameraman, Justin. They were so so appreciative and I spent all of today in Kelly's side of the PO (production office) just getting to know everyone better and feeding off some good vibes for once. I needed that. I do notice though I get a certain level of anxiety anytime someone brings up the prison or asks me questions. I'm not even really sure why. I think it floods my head with enough negative memories that I would just rather not think about it at all. Hard to say. Mary, our design producer, asked me randomly yesterday why I left the prison. I said it was too deep of answer and I don't really talk about it. She showed me more empathy than I expected. Mary's not the most empathic person. Hell, we had just gotten back from main street where she asked me to drive her so we could run up on some kids graffitiing one of the murals that the design team has been working on. She didn't press me on it though. She just said, we'll save it for a bonfire night. Lann and I have a fire pit at the ranch so bonfire nights have become a favorite with the line crew. I told her it was a deal and that we would have one after labor day. Truth is though, I'm hoping she'll forget about her question. We'll see.