Two things I learned

 Dear Diary, 

It's August 20th, 2022, and I'm sitting in my apartment in Ankeny after having lived in Colorado for almost a month now. It's crazy to think how much of my life has changed in the last month. I haven't even had time to update this journal. I thought about going back and writing about things that have happened in detail but I'd have to sit on this laptop for hours to do that so here are some bits and pieces that are on my mind. Two things that have become obvious in four weeks. 

1. I thought I would get homesick but I never did.

I packed my bags, went to work on Sunday, July 24th. I said my goodbyes after my last 6a-2p shift ended and I set out for Kearney, NB for the night. "You know you're going to get halfway and just start balling right?" Theobald said. "You're gonna get to Nebraska and all the things you've been through the last 5 years are going to hit you like a truck." And I believed it too. I had been through so much and I had the best of goodbyes from Mitchellville. There were very few ways that I could have left it any better. Weird thing was, I didn't feel sad at all. I never did cry. Not while saying goodbye. Not while driving across two states. Not during my first few weeks away from home in a new state. Never. I thought I'd get emotional after coming back this first time to pack my apartment and officially move out of Ankeny but here I am the night before my flight back to Denver and...nothing. Everything in my life has always been a grey area. I never know which path to choose. I always have to many choices and spend way too much time wondering if I took the right one or did the right thing. But maybe some choices in life are just obvious. Like moving to Colorado. I think I was just so ready to move on and I think my lack of emotions for my former life were just that, former. I have loved many people here and I continue to love them now but I am so ready to move on and meet new people are see what else life has to offer. I know it was more than what I had. I know great things will happen. And I know, most importantly, stick to the plan. Not all days will be easy. 

2. You can't move away from it.

Naively, I thought I could distance myself from feelings, simply by distancing myself in miles. It turns out you can't. I saw you having feels for a new girl and I about lost it. Then I got pissed at myself for still letting it effect me so much after all these years now. Like, GET OVER IT. How am I states away from you and yet you still are such a big part of my thoughts? I stopped looking at your Spotify. Stopped checking up on you in general. I had to, too reset. I can't afford to fall into a hole again for you. Not here, not now, not anymore. Even a week later, after a long, busy day of not thinking about you and crashing into my bed at night with no thoughts in the world but how tired I was. There you were. In my dreams. Blocking me from everything of yours. And I was upset but knew I didn't have the right to be. After all, this was what I wanted right? This was the purpose of not talking to you and distancing myself and not watching your stories or liking your pictures, right? To rid myself of you, right? Then it would all stop hurting, right? And the feelings would disappear and everything would be normal again, right? So why would I be upset if that was what I wanted? Maybe because after almost a year, I realize that maybe that's not what I wanted after all. I miss you and want to talk to you more than anything but like usual, there's no point. You don't love me and you never did. Nothing's changed except I live 700 miles further away now. I've learned that I am ready to let you go but that you can't move away from your feelings. An although I may live in Colorado now, a piece of my heart still lives in Iowa with the same girl I've been in love with for two years who never asked to have it.