To Hear a Person Say They Love You

The amount of things a person will put up with just to hear a person say they love them is crazy to me.

As well as staying with a person because they are "nice" and "do everything for me." That person sounds like a great person but maybe someone has never told you this. Just because somebody is a good person, they are kind, gentle, and smart. Just because someone does everything right doesn't always mean that they are right for YOU. 

You will meet more than one good person in this lifetime. Find the one that still gives you butterflies after years of seeing them everyday. Find the one that isn't perfect. Find the imperfect person who dedicates their time to bettering themselves and along the way, encourages you to better yourself too. Grow together. 

You don't have to accept a person who makes you anxious when they are upset because you expect them to be mean to you or make you feel guilty. Just so when they are having a good moment you can hear them tell you that they love you. Let them go. Even when it hurts.

You also don't have to accept a person who makes you feel like you should stay with them just because other people tell you how nice they are and what a great person they are. I'm glad you met someone like that. I glad you found someone who shows you unconditional love, but if they do not set your soul on fire, if they do not challenge you, if they do not seek to grow with you, then hunny. Let. Them. Go.

Even when it hurts. 

Letter to my mom

I thought of writing this letter so many times

you see, I'm 26 now but you know that

because you're my mom

you know everything about me 

except for the things that you don't

You see, I'm 26 now but you probably don't know that my favorite color is still green

even though it's been green since kindergarden

since the boy that sat on the green square on the shared rug

told me his favorite color was green

and he was cute so I made his favorite color mine too

I'm 26 now but you don't know that I should probably be in prison

because of the amount of things I have stolen and drugs I have taken. 

I bought and sold drugs 

and I most ashamed of that because now that I work in prison

I see myself in the people there and I feel guilty.

I'm 26 now but you don't realize how many times I've come close to dying.

A month ago I was almost choked to death.

Two months ago I held a gun to my head.

I'm 26 now but I want you to know that as I write this that I don't want to be dead

I want to see 27 and I'll do my best but if something happens just know it's okay and that 

I love you 

I'm 26 now and you don't know I live in fear

You don't know this but I changed the garage code again because a co worker is stalking me

You don't know this but I've cut two dozen ropes off of peoples necks

I've been drenched in blood of the people Ive tried to help even though they told me they didn't want it

I've held the lifeless body of someone I cared about. 

Im 26 now and you don't know that I am head over heals in love

And you don't know that

because she is a girl 

You don't know that I'm struggling right now because I haven't told her my feelings yet.

You don't know that the reason I slept most of Christmas is because she broke my heart 

and I was in pain, mom. 

I've told my brother though. He's helping me with that.

You would like her though, mom. She's funny and kind and intelligent.

She wants to be a doctor, mom. How crazy is that?

I was best friends with her for 10 years, mom, I don't know where all these feelings came from

And I want nothing more than to talk to you about that but

I can't talk to you about that.

Because in our house, dad would tell me to turn the channel if I was watching Ellen.

And you didn't stick up for me so you probably feel the same

its honestly it really is okay

if you hate me a little bit

I hate me a little bit too.

not because I am gay

but because I actively chose you and dad's happiness over my own.

Every time I get close to saying something

I think of you and I making cookies

I think of us antique shopping

I think of dad and I horse back riding

I think of us mountain climbing

I think about how the minute I come out

all of those memories will be over shadowed.

The little girl in those old pictures on the shelf will suddenly become a stranger

because even though you thought you knew everything about her

you really knew nothing about her

There is no good way to write this letter, mom.

I never know the right things to say. 

But when the day comes that I tell you the truth. 

I know you will take dad's side. You always have.

I do not hate you for that. I don't. 

But it does make me sad.

So if I don't get the chance to tell you afterwards.

If I don't get the chance to come home for the holidays again.

I still love you and I always will.

I just chose to love myself more. 

Feelings

The last couple days I found myself at a point where I think I might be able to get over you

That my mind is finally allowing itself to think about someone else besides you

But while I may have been thinking of others things

keeping myself busy

I find that while I am thinking that my hands are still focused. 

That my emotions are still driving down a bumpy road.

Cause while I may be out with friends

my hands are still looking up your latest post

and my heart still skips a beat when I see you listening to music right now

and though I feel like it's a win to privatize my own listening 

the lyrics of my songs still tell the story of a girl that mourns the loss of a heart 

she never held 

and while I may feel like Im finally becoming detached

my eyes are still glued to the TV screen of the show you recommended me to watch.

My mind feels nothing 

but my hands still feel the warmth you left on your side of the bed 

that I still haven't slept on 

I laugh at the bar with my friends 

but I scream in the car all alone  on the way home

and even then

I still think I am at a point where I think I might be able to get over you.

I still want you. More than anything.

But your absence isn't destroying my heart anymore.

I think about you all the time.

But I think about other things now too.

Before, I couldn't bare the thought of letting go of any part of you that made me feel something.

Like the lump in my throat when I see you

not knowing when ill get to see you again

the tears in my eyes knowing you're probably in someone else's bed right now

the heaviness in my lungs when I try to sing along to the songs you still send me 

that I know are about her and not me

but I tell you how much I love them anyway

because my heart still summersaults when I see a text from you on my phone

There are so many things I don't want to feel anymore