Letter to my mom

I thought of writing this letter so many times

you see, I'm 26 now but you know that

because you're my mom

you know everything about me 

except for the things that you don't

You see, I'm 26 now but you probably don't know that my favorite color is still green

even though it's been green since kindergarden

since the boy that sat on the green square on the shared rug

told me his favorite color was green

and he was cute so I made his favorite color mine too

I'm 26 now but you don't know that I should probably be in prison

because of the amount of things I have stolen and drugs I have taken. 

I bought and sold drugs 

and I most ashamed of that because now that I work in prison

I see myself in the people there and I feel guilty.

I'm 26 now but you don't realize how many times I've come close to dying.

A month ago I was almost choked to death.

Two months ago I held a gun to my head.

I'm 26 now but I want you to know that as I write this that I don't want to be dead

I want to see 27 and I'll do my best but if something happens just know it's okay and that 

I love you 

I'm 26 now and you don't know I live in fear

You don't know this but I changed the garage code again because a co worker is stalking me

You don't know this but I've cut two dozen ropes off of peoples necks

I've been drenched in blood of the people Ive tried to help even though they told me they didn't want it

I've held the lifeless body of someone I cared about. 

Im 26 now and you don't know that I am head over heals in love

And you don't know that

because she is a girl 

You don't know that I'm struggling right now because I haven't told her my feelings yet.

You don't know that the reason I slept most of Christmas is because she broke my heart 

and I was in pain, mom. 

I've told my brother though. He's helping me with that.

You would like her though, mom. She's funny and kind and intelligent.

She wants to be a doctor, mom. How crazy is that?

I was best friends with her for 10 years, mom, I don't know where all these feelings came from

And I want nothing more than to talk to you about that but

I can't talk to you about that.

Because in our house, dad would tell me to turn the channel if I was watching Ellen.

And you didn't stick up for me so you probably feel the same

its honestly it really is okay

if you hate me a little bit

I hate me a little bit too.

not because I am gay

but because I actively chose you and dad's happiness over my own.

Every time I get close to saying something

I think of you and I making cookies

I think of us antique shopping

I think of dad and I horse back riding

I think of us mountain climbing

I think about how the minute I come out

all of those memories will be over shadowed.

The little girl in those old pictures on the shelf will suddenly become a stranger

because even though you thought you knew everything about her

you really knew nothing about her

There is no good way to write this letter, mom.

I never know the right things to say. 

But when the day comes that I tell you the truth. 

I know you will take dad's side. You always have.

I do not hate you for that. I don't. 

But it does make me sad.

So if I don't get the chance to tell you afterwards.

If I don't get the chance to come home for the holidays again.

I still love you and I always will.

I just chose to love myself more.