The Signs I Didn't See

 Months ago, I begged for sign as to whether this was mean't to be or not. I don't know why it hit me so hard today but I guess I just held out as long as I could in order to wait for the sign that I wanted to read. Not the signs I was passing. Today I asked myself, "why this was so hard?" I guess that was the answer that I never wanted to see. Why is it so hard? Because it was never mean't to be. Maybe it's because there are bigger and better things out there waiting for me. Maybe it's because you would tie me down when I was mean't to keep reaching new heights. I guess you are doing what you are mean't to be doing and loving who you are suppose to love and I guess our paths were never mean't to cross in the ways that I wanted. There was a fork in the road you took a left while I was forced to merge right. Even though I realize this now, it doesn't make it any easier to put one foot in front of the other on my path. Each step is another that leads me away from you. The only thing that keeps me going is curiosity in what God has planned for me down my path. I can only trust that it is grand enough to make it worth never having gotten the chance to feel loved by you. My only hope now for us is that someday ours paths will cross again and I can tell you then how I used to feel about you but then tell you about all the amazing adventures I had because I didn't have you. 

If You Told Me a Year Ago

If you told me a year ago, that a year from now you would still be the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first person I still think about when I wake up in the morning, well I wouldn't believe you. How I still achieve every song you send me like each and every one of them is a Van Gogh original master piece that needs to be appreciated. That I would still look over and dissect every word so carefully, looking for any hints of attraction. I still know they are not about me. They are about somebody else. You still think I'm heartbroken over an ex from years ago when I have been in love with you for a year. You have broken my heart more times in more days than I can now count. You still don't even know it. I tried to quit you like a bad habit but like a menthol addicted chainsmoker, I came crawling right back. Without knowing you or any context, my best friend told me that the person you should be with is the person you can't live without. If you can live without them then you should let them go and save yourself the pain and other person pain as well. What if I told you that after two weeks without you that I was clutching my chest in pain an anxiety? That I wasn't eating as much because of panic attacks and sadness. That even though I had a couple extremely pretty girls to talk to and go on dates with, I canceled them. Because even though you have never been mine, you were still the one, after all these months, that I wanted. My heart knew it even though my brain tried to reason with it. You see, I want to leave this state and move to Colorado and I want to pursue my dreams. I know if I told you how I feel, and by some amazing miracle you felt the same way about me, then I would never be able to leave you. Maybe that isn't a bad thing, but would I end up resenting you for all the experiences and dreams that I never go to live? Is love more important than dreams? I don't know but I wish I knew that answer. You are pursing your dreams right now and I am so insanely happy for you. I can only hope I get to experience the same and do it soon. I hope that while I am out there that I meet someone that makes me forget about life here. That makes me feel loved without question. That proves it to me everyday. Someone that is patient, kind and adventurous. Somebody that makes me feel, without question, that I made the right decision. Because I am terrified everyday to think that while I am living out my career dreams, summiting mountains, rescuing people, saving lives, traveling, bettering myself and falling in love with myself again, that you will still be the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first person I still think about when I wake up in the morning.