If You Told Me a Year Ago

If you told me a year ago, that a year from now you would still be the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first person I still think about when I wake up in the morning, well I wouldn't believe you. How I still achieve every song you send me like each and every one of them is a Van Gogh original master piece that needs to be appreciated. That I would still look over and dissect every word so carefully, looking for any hints of attraction. I still know they are not about me. They are about somebody else. You still think I'm heartbroken over an ex from years ago when I have been in love with you for a year. You have broken my heart more times in more days than I can now count. You still don't even know it. I tried to quit you like a bad habit but like a menthol addicted chainsmoker, I came crawling right back. Without knowing you or any context, my best friend told me that the person you should be with is the person you can't live without. If you can live without them then you should let them go and save yourself the pain and other person pain as well. What if I told you that after two weeks without you that I was clutching my chest in pain an anxiety? That I wasn't eating as much because of panic attacks and sadness. That even though I had a couple extremely pretty girls to talk to and go on dates with, I canceled them. Because even though you have never been mine, you were still the one, after all these months, that I wanted. My heart knew it even though my brain tried to reason with it. You see, I want to leave this state and move to Colorado and I want to pursue my dreams. I know if I told you how I feel, and by some amazing miracle you felt the same way about me, then I would never be able to leave you. Maybe that isn't a bad thing, but would I end up resenting you for all the experiences and dreams that I never go to live? Is love more important than dreams? I don't know but I wish I knew that answer. You are pursing your dreams right now and I am so insanely happy for you. I can only hope I get to experience the same and do it soon. I hope that while I am out there that I meet someone that makes me forget about life here. That makes me feel loved without question. That proves it to me everyday. Someone that is patient, kind and adventurous. Somebody that makes me feel, without question, that I made the right decision. Because I am terrified everyday to think that while I am living out my career dreams, summiting mountains, rescuing people, saving lives, traveling, bettering myself and falling in love with myself again, that you will still be the last person I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first person I still think about when I wake up in the morning.