Still

The other night I had a dream about you. It felt so real. I was sitting in a room with a really pretty girl and she was really nice and I really liked her. She seemed cool. You walked in and I realized right away that my new friend was your girlfriend. I wanted to hate her but I didn't. She was great and you seemed happy. I started getting physically sick and began looking for a way out. Thank God I woke up and it was all just a dream. 

Still. You're stuck in my mind all the time. I never truly get away.

You snap chatted me yesterday. You replied to my story about Spotify folders. I took a minute to open it. I haven't seen your name pop up on my phone since January and while I was excited to see it. I became so nervous. Last thing I said to you was pretty rude and then we never spoke again. So if you were angry with me I would have completely understood. I opened the message and it was something generic like "No way, I never knew folders existed." I replied, with something basic, with a little wit, just to not be as rude as I was a few months ago with my reply. But, you took hours to respond and when you did, it was a laughing face emoji and thats it. 

Still. It's like nothing had changed.

You still don't care about me like I care about you. You make it so apparent. It's like I've now accepted that fact but I'm just not okay with it yet. I don't know how to be okay with it. It's like I just need the tiniest bit of proof that you maybe liked me and that's so pathetic. Why do I let you determine how much I value myself? Like, if you don't like me then what's wrong with me? What could I have done better or different? I feel so unloved and it's so hard to come back from that. It's all my fault cause I let myself build this up in my head into what it is. It's been 7 months since I have tried to get over you and even though it doesn't hurt as bad as it once did, it 

still hurts and I 

still love you.