Tonight

Tonight, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I listened to my music, drove for hours, paced my kitchen. I have such a persistent urge to get away from myself. I'm not the worst person. Maybe a part of me is even good. I just don't want to be me. I recognize it's a very privileged thing to say but what can I do? I don't know how to escape this feeling. I even thought for a moment I was healing. Tonight, I just felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't get away. Except I can. I walked to my bedroom and sat down on the floor at the foot of my bed. My loaded AR was leaned up against the wall and I grabbed it. I placed the butt end on the ground and the muzzle on my head as I clutched the hand guard. For two minutes, it really felt like everything stopped. It was the first time I had felt calm all day. I felt like my thoughts slowed and I was in complete control of the situation. I thought about how easy it was. To get away. What if I just didn't overthink it. What if I just reached down a little further and grabbed the trigger really quick. No time for second guessing. It would all be over. All of this pain. All of this thinking. Me. The person I don't want to be. It would all seize to exist. I gripped the hand guard harder and became completely overwhelmed. I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. I smacked the muzzle of the rifle against my head a few times to knock me back to reality. Not today, I said. I stared at the rifle for a little while longer until I calmed down again. I placed it back against the wall and left the room. My friend texted me to go on a walk so I'm gonna head out. She'll never know what I went through in my room tonight. I'll keep, keeping on and I'll be just fine. At least that's what I'll say. That's what I've always said.