If You Ask Me

And if you'd ask me

I'd be honest

If I loved you

I'd say always

I Don't Hate You

Thats what makes my heart break

That I turned you into my biggest mistake

And I think I'm still in denial 

Cause I still think about you every single day

I don't hate you

I just hate the way  I love you

And I hate the way I never said goodbye

No, I don't hate you

I just hate I never told you

I hate the way I loved you all this time

I wish I never would have lied. 

I wish I would have told you that I love you that December night. 

Dear Diary

Tonight, I'm sitting alone on my couch on our ranch in Fort Morgan. Typing between sips of cider. Listening to "Keep It to Yourself" by Clinton Kane on repeat cause I'm feeling it a little tonight. Life is getting better though. I'm slowly acclimating to the way of life here and by "here" I mean production and life outside those four walls. It's taking me longer than I thought to adjust but I'm trying to give myself as much grace as I can. I'm not homesick per-say. I don't long for Iowa or much about where I traveled from. Of course, there are people I miss but I still talk to them almost everyday so I haven't been sad about it yet. I do miss having my set group of people. You know, the ones you don't have to think about. They'd be down to grab a drink anytime and you know you can trust them so you can just talk abut anything and everything? I'm getting there though. It became apparent to me this week about my level of mistrust with people I don't know. I came from a job where you knew the person next to you would give their life for you at a moments notice. It's really hard to go from having those types of bonds with people to watching grown ass people sabotage each other in the name of ego and pride. It's getting better though. I'm putting myself out there more. I'm trying to engage in conversation even when I don't want to. It paid off. I made friends with Kelly Newton this week. She's my production manager and a cool as hell person. I get her laughing on set this week and since then she's invite me into the group and I've gotten to have dinner with the exec. team on Wednesday and she invited me out to get drinks with the production crew on Thursday. I think I've gained a little trust. I ended up DDing for my roommate and for Kelly and our cameraman, Justin. They were so so appreciative and I spent all of today in Kelly's side of the PO (production office) just getting to know everyone better and feeding off some good vibes for once. I needed that. I do notice though I get a certain level of anxiety anytime someone brings up the prison or asks me questions. I'm not even really sure why. I think it floods my head with enough negative memories that I would just rather not think about it at all. Hard to say. Mary, our design producer, asked me randomly yesterday why I left the prison. I said it was too deep of answer and I don't really talk about it. She showed me more empathy than I expected. Mary's not the most empathic person. Hell, we had just gotten back from main street where she asked me to drive her so we could run up on some kids graffitiing one of the murals that the design team has been working on. She didn't press me on it though. She just said, we'll save it for a bonfire night. Lann and I have a fire pit at the ranch so bonfire nights have become a favorite with the line crew. I told her it was a deal and that we would have one after labor day. Truth is though, I'm hoping she'll forget about her question. We'll see. 

Want It Again

Oh, I hope one day you'll find

Your way back into my arms

So girl, I'll put this heart of mine

Somewhere good and safe, in case you want it again someday

Chasing Highs

Guess that's how it goes

You send the songs I showed you to someone knew

Do you even think of me at all? 

Do you wish that I would call?

Do the songs make you feel the same anymore?

Or does she make them feel better than than they did before?

Maybe you felt nothing at all

Maybe I was a fool all along 

I should be chasing highs but Im chasing you

And would she feel the same if she only knew?

That the song you sent with, "made me think of you." 

Was a song I sent cause I fell for you. 

Two things I learned

 Dear Diary, 

It's August 20th, 2022, and I'm sitting in my apartment in Ankeny after having lived in Colorado for almost a month now. It's crazy to think how much of my life has changed in the last month. I haven't even had time to update this journal. I thought about going back and writing about things that have happened in detail but I'd have to sit on this laptop for hours to do that so here are some bits and pieces that are on my mind. Two things that have become obvious in four weeks. 

1. I thought I would get homesick but I never did.

I packed my bags, went to work on Sunday, July 24th. I said my goodbyes after my last 6a-2p shift ended and I set out for Kearney, NB for the night. "You know you're going to get halfway and just start balling right?" Theobald said. "You're gonna get to Nebraska and all the things you've been through the last 5 years are going to hit you like a truck." And I believed it too. I had been through so much and I had the best of goodbyes from Mitchellville. There were very few ways that I could have left it any better. Weird thing was, I didn't feel sad at all. I never did cry. Not while saying goodbye. Not while driving across two states. Not during my first few weeks away from home in a new state. Never. I thought I'd get emotional after coming back this first time to pack my apartment and officially move out of Ankeny but here I am the night before my flight back to Denver and...nothing. Everything in my life has always been a grey area. I never know which path to choose. I always have to many choices and spend way too much time wondering if I took the right one or did the right thing. But maybe some choices in life are just obvious. Like moving to Colorado. I think I was just so ready to move on and I think my lack of emotions for my former life were just that, former. I have loved many people here and I continue to love them now but I am so ready to move on and meet new people are see what else life has to offer. I know it was more than what I had. I know great things will happen. And I know, most importantly, stick to the plan. Not all days will be easy. 

2. You can't move away from it.

Naively, I thought I could distance myself from feelings, simply by distancing myself in miles. It turns out you can't. I saw you having feels for a new girl and I about lost it. Then I got pissed at myself for still letting it effect me so much after all these years now. Like, GET OVER IT. How am I states away from you and yet you still are such a big part of my thoughts? I stopped looking at your Spotify. Stopped checking up on you in general. I had to, too reset. I can't afford to fall into a hole again for you. Not here, not now, not anymore. Even a week later, after a long, busy day of not thinking about you and crashing into my bed at night with no thoughts in the world but how tired I was. There you were. In my dreams. Blocking me from everything of yours. And I was upset but knew I didn't have the right to be. After all, this was what I wanted right? This was the purpose of not talking to you and distancing myself and not watching your stories or liking your pictures, right? To rid myself of you, right? Then it would all stop hurting, right? And the feelings would disappear and everything would be normal again, right? So why would I be upset if that was what I wanted? Maybe because after almost a year, I realize that maybe that's not what I wanted after all. I miss you and want to talk to you more than anything but like usual, there's no point. You don't love me and you never did. Nothing's changed except I live 700 miles further away now. I've learned that I am ready to let you go but that you can't move away from your feelings. An although I may live in Colorado now, a piece of my heart still lives in Iowa with the same girl I've been in love with for two years who never asked to have it. 

 You're still in my dreams and it still kills me