Still

The other night I had a dream about you. It felt so real. I was sitting in a room with a really pretty girl and she was really nice and I really liked her. She seemed cool. You walked in and I realized right away that my new friend was your girlfriend. I wanted to hate her but I didn't. She was great and you seemed happy. I started getting physically sick and began looking for a way out. Thank God I woke up and it was all just a dream. 

Still. You're stuck in my mind all the time. I never truly get away.

You snap chatted me yesterday. You replied to my story about Spotify folders. I took a minute to open it. I haven't seen your name pop up on my phone since January and while I was excited to see it. I became so nervous. Last thing I said to you was pretty rude and then we never spoke again. So if you were angry with me I would have completely understood. I opened the message and it was something generic like "No way, I never knew folders existed." I replied, with something basic, with a little wit, just to not be as rude as I was a few months ago with my reply. But, you took hours to respond and when you did, it was a laughing face emoji and thats it. 

Still. It's like nothing had changed.

You still don't care about me like I care about you. You make it so apparent. It's like I've now accepted that fact but I'm just not okay with it yet. I don't know how to be okay with it. It's like I just need the tiniest bit of proof that you maybe liked me and that's so pathetic. Why do I let you determine how much I value myself? Like, if you don't like me then what's wrong with me? What could I have done better or different? I feel so unloved and it's so hard to come back from that. It's all my fault cause I let myself build this up in my head into what it is. It's been 7 months since I have tried to get over you and even though it doesn't hurt as bad as it once did, it 

still hurts and I 

still love you. 

Sometimes

Sometimes when I sit down and really let it register

it gets to me

I mean really how could it not with all the things I've seen?

Not sure who's handling who

cause lately I think that it's handling me

I put a lid on that shit

but it still follows me 

My head to the ground but I'm crying out

doubt they care anymore

just another girl breaking down

Put a gun to my head and lower it down

maybe Im better off dead but Im still finding out

Feel alone in this shit, but I pushed them all out

Thats on me, so I'm stuck on this route

Drove back home to breathe in the countryside

thought getting away would help ease my mind

Had a talk with my pops but it fucked with my head

he said, people used to just get over trauma

he said, get over it, theyre dead

lots of people die but we all move ahead

he said, it's my fault it festers and help is for the weak

I left that countryside in the dust and haven't seen him in weeks

Sometimes old men just speak to speak

he used to kiss me on my cheek and tell me goodbye

he used save me from the monsters that lurked in the night

now I'm cheek to cheek with the monsters and need you as a guide

Dad, where did you go? You were always by my side.

Guess your jurisdiction is under the bed 

and I'm on my own with everything inside and the thoughts in my head

Dad, I'm scared. 

But you tell me just get over it

Barrel to my head

It's getting harder to lower it 

Knock on My Door

 I'll try to move on.

I promised myself that I would.

I won't call or text you anymore because

I have said everything I could possibly could

Except for the most important words

I love you.

Maybe you already know, and maybe you don't

I wonder if you'll show up at my door someday so

I can finally tell you.

I'd say those things only happen in movies,

But our story has always been

greater than any movie.

So, a piece of me holds onto the hope that

perhaps it will have a cinematic ending 

just like it's beginning.

Please, knock on my door.

Tonight

Tonight, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I listened to my music, drove for hours, paced my kitchen. I have such a persistent urge to get away from myself. I'm not the worst person. Maybe a part of me is even good. I just don't want to be me. I recognize it's a very privileged thing to say but what can I do? I don't know how to escape this feeling. I even thought for a moment I was healing. Tonight, I just felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't get away. Except I can. I walked to my bedroom and sat down on the floor at the foot of my bed. My loaded AR was leaned up against the wall and I grabbed it. I placed the butt end on the ground and the muzzle on my head as I clutched the hand guard. For two minutes, it really felt like everything stopped. It was the first time I had felt calm all day. I felt like my thoughts slowed and I was in complete control of the situation. I thought about how easy it was. To get away. What if I just didn't overthink it. What if I just reached down a little further and grabbed the trigger really quick. No time for second guessing. It would all be over. All of this pain. All of this thinking. Me. The person I don't want to be. It would all seize to exist. I gripped the hand guard harder and became completely overwhelmed. I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. I smacked the muzzle of the rifle against my head a few times to knock me back to reality. Not today, I said. I stared at the rifle for a little while longer until I calmed down again. I placed it back against the wall and left the room. My friend texted me to go on a walk so I'm gonna head out. She'll never know what I went through in my room tonight. I'll keep, keeping on and I'll be just fine. At least that's what I'll say. That's what I've always said. 

I Miss You

​I miss you. I know it’s my fault that we don’t talk anymore. I know I made the decision for myself. I don’t miss you sending me songs that remind you of her. I don’t miss texts to me crying about your ex who treated you like shit. I would never do that. I don’t miss not feeling worthy when I’ve done nothing wrong. I thought after 6 months I’d be further along in my healing journey but it all comes down to I miss you. Just your presence in my life. I didn't just lose a crush, or even someone I just loved. I lost a friend. Someone I could tell anything to. Someone I trusted. Someone who I respected. Your’e still all those things to me. But I can’t be anywhere near you. Cause I love you to much for my own good. For my own health. And frankly, you don’t deserve it right now. But I do still miss you and think about you everyday. I just wish I would stop.